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Not my first rodeo
Nov. 15th, 2018 07:51 pm"If you go to the doctor and get your head under control then you'll lose that weight," Mems says as we're talking about holidays and shopping. She's talking about my return to therapy.
She's right. I yo-yo constantly. I'm on the heavy end of the yo-yo at the moment. It's no doubt tied to the ebbing and flowing in my head.
Weight has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. As a pre-teen, my mother asking me, 'don't you want to be cute and tiny like Clarissa on that show you watch?' (In her defense Clarissa did explain it all, just not my weight issues.)
After years of ballet, I quit because of leotards, my self-esteem, and my growing jiggle. I wasn't a fat kid, just a chubby one uncomfortable in her own skin.
Once I hit teen years and hormones then it became more of an issue. I had more control over my diet and that manifested into overdoing it on the foods I'd never eaten at home. Fast food was a constant. Exercise non-existent.
Then I countered it when I started gaining more weight by limiting my food intake to a ridiculous amount. Fat-free hot cocoa and dry wheat toast for breakfast. Diet Coke for lunch. Chicken and veggies for dinner.
I remember those sparse meals nearly 20 years later. Sitting at the kitchen table alone, chewing deliberately.
As I got older my weight became intrinsically tied to relationships and my state of mind. I was my thinnest out of college when I was in my most insecure relationship. I constantly worried if we were stable, if it was real or if it was all going to fall apart and I barely ate and gave myself gastroenteritis.
When it ended food became a crutch, a comfort, a companion. I put on all the weight I lost. I still wasn't comfortable. Would I ever be?
It continues. Now as I hit 36. Sometimes as I'm sitting at my desk or table eating something I don't need, that isn't healthy, that will exacerbate my autoimmune disease I think 'this doesn't even taste good,' but I don't stop eating.
I lost 25 pounds in the first quarter of this year while training for a half marathon then got sidelined by a hip injury that ended my running hobby. The 25 pounds came back. Again. I've lost the same 25 pounds dozens of times in my life.
I started going back to Weight Watchers for the 700th time. It always works at first. Then my brain starts to kick in. The insecurities return.
I'm great at the starting gate but the follow-through lacks.
She's right. I yo-yo constantly. I'm on the heavy end of the yo-yo at the moment. It's no doubt tied to the ebbing and flowing in my head.
Weight has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. As a pre-teen, my mother asking me, 'don't you want to be cute and tiny like Clarissa on that show you watch?' (In her defense Clarissa did explain it all, just not my weight issues.)
After years of ballet, I quit because of leotards, my self-esteem, and my growing jiggle. I wasn't a fat kid, just a chubby one uncomfortable in her own skin.
Once I hit teen years and hormones then it became more of an issue. I had more control over my diet and that manifested into overdoing it on the foods I'd never eaten at home. Fast food was a constant. Exercise non-existent.
Then I countered it when I started gaining more weight by limiting my food intake to a ridiculous amount. Fat-free hot cocoa and dry wheat toast for breakfast. Diet Coke for lunch. Chicken and veggies for dinner.
I remember those sparse meals nearly 20 years later. Sitting at the kitchen table alone, chewing deliberately.
As I got older my weight became intrinsically tied to relationships and my state of mind. I was my thinnest out of college when I was in my most insecure relationship. I constantly worried if we were stable, if it was real or if it was all going to fall apart and I barely ate and gave myself gastroenteritis.
When it ended food became a crutch, a comfort, a companion. I put on all the weight I lost. I still wasn't comfortable. Would I ever be?
It continues. Now as I hit 36. Sometimes as I'm sitting at my desk or table eating something I don't need, that isn't healthy, that will exacerbate my autoimmune disease I think 'this doesn't even taste good,' but I don't stop eating.
I lost 25 pounds in the first quarter of this year while training for a half marathon then got sidelined by a hip injury that ended my running hobby. The 25 pounds came back. Again. I've lost the same 25 pounds dozens of times in my life.
I started going back to Weight Watchers for the 700th time. It always works at first. Then my brain starts to kick in. The insecurities return.
I'm great at the starting gate but the follow-through lacks.
