"It's hard to beat a person who never gives up"

[katespencer1]

I feel like I'm treading water. Barely keeping my head up sometimes. Sometimes I sink. I feel a pit in my stomach, my hands shake and the urge to vomit.

I don't know how to handle it anymore. It's one thing after the other. When I feel like I have one thing under control then something else happens.

Complaining about it from my world of privilege exacerbates it. Sometimes I feel like my brain is vibrating with anxiety. Sometimes I want to go to sleep to get away and live in a dream world.

But I keep going. I find solace in being Type A and trying to control what I can as the chaos ebbs and flows around me.

Is this the new normal? Existing until the next thing throws me off my axis, then fighting to get back in form and paddle my feet until it happens again.

I'm trying to get help. I have a therapist's phone number written on my to do list. One day I will call it. I'm making myself get to the gym consistently in hopes that the endorphins will help. Endorphins make people happy (Thank you Legally Blonde).

I'm to stubborn to give up, but damn if it's not appealing at times.