"It's hard to beat a person who never gives up"

[katespencer1]

I feel like I'm treading water. Barely keeping my head up sometimes. Sometimes I sink. I feel a pit in my stomach, my hands shake and the urge to vomit.

I don't know how to handle it anymore. It's one thing after the other. When I feel like I have one thing under control then something else happens.

Complaining about it from my world of privilege exacerbates it. Sometimes I feel like my brain is vibrating with anxiety. Sometimes I want to go to sleep to get away and live in a dream world.

But I keep going. I find solace in being Type A and trying to control what I can as the chaos ebbs and flows around me.

Is this the new normal? Existing until the next thing throws me off my axis, then fighting to get back in form and paddle my feet until it happens again.

I'm trying to get help. I have a therapist's phone number written on my to do list. One day I will call it. I'm making myself get to the gym consistently in hopes that the endorphins will help. Endorphins make people happy (Thank you Legally Blonde).

I'm to stubborn to give up, but damn if it's not appealing at times.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

Yes! I love that line from Legally Blonde!

[the_eternal_overthinker]

*Hugs* I am not sure if its personal, but I can feel the depression and frustration here. Take care. And also, good to see you here and would be looking forward to reading you. Because they also they "Words heal " :)

[murielle]

Oh yes! Giving up is a constant temptation! Good on you for resisting! Good on you for having strategies in place to help fight the temptations and to ultimately help yourself. It takes time, it takes courage, but you will get there because you never give up!

Well done!

[dmousey]

Depression, it sucks dude. Keep pushing against it Kate, because eventually you WILL break through. Just don't wait too long to dial that number, if you need too!! ✌ 😊 💕💟

[bewize]

Keep fighting the good fight! It's worth it.

[sonreir]

Oh, good glob, I recognize this fight. Staring at the number for the therapist, knowing I could call and make an appointment, and yet never having quite the wherewithal to do it...

I'm sorry that you're stuck in this cycle, too. You are allowed to complain, even from a place of privilege. You are allowed to speak out about what you're dealing with.

Good luck to you -- and please know, you write about this well.

[wolfden]

I definitely relate to the next thing coming along.

[megatronix]

I think it ought to somehow be easier to call therapists. If we could do it all online, it'd be a big help!! That was the hardest part for me - calling. Once I did, and got the ball rolling, it helped, and I hope it helps you too. I'm glad you're not giving up. Hang in there!

[tatdatcm]

"I'm too stubborn to give up, but damn if it's not appealing at tines." Yup. I get it.

[troof_therry]

Yup, not a totally alien feeling, especially the part about not feeling qualified to have anxiety about having anxiety. I do hope you'll stay stubborn and stay writing.

[moretta]

Hugs hugs hugs. Less duck (paddling furiously while the surface is calm) and more goldfish (going round the bowl and still finding excitement in the small new/old things), is what a friend said to me. Find the joys in the routine (gym is a good one) and let the routine soother you while you do what you must. A therapist is a good idea. I have benefited. But yeah, a little less duck, and a lite more goldfish.

[favoritebean_writes]

I hear you.

[halfshellvenus]

I'm so sorry you're facing these challenges.

Treatment for anxiety can make a huge difference, because yes-- it is exhausting. Here's hoping you find that extra energy needed to take the steps toward a long-term solution.

[flipflop_diva]

I totally feel this.

I'm not sure if it's personal, but if it is, I hope you do call that phone number.

[alycewilson]

Getting help is a food move. Keep it up!