Kayfabe

[katespencer1]

I drive a lot in the quiet. A muffled song in the background or a forgotten podcast in the background.

My mind wanders and sometimes I listen to the voices.

Why am I doing this? What is the reason? Can I just go to sleep? It's too much.

Do you ever feel like you're just going through the motions of life? LIke you're playacting the role you're expected to play. I'm an overachiever and Type A and I sit through meetings and routines and put things in order all the time. Why?

I go see shows and make small talk with people, remember to ask the right questions, send the cards for birthdays. I bury myself in details and lists and reminders. All of them propping me up into this version of a person. A conscientious person who isn't lost in her own head, going through the motions.

I'm loud and obnoxious and curse too much. I call myself a bitch and act like I don't care. Is that who I am? Or is that the role I gave myself? Is it safer to be the bitch no one wants to get close to so there's an easy reason to keep everyone at arm's distance?

What is my role in my life? It feels staged and static and I don't know what else to do. Breaking out of the rut is necessary and terrifying. Is it even possible?

So I make a long silent drive. A forgotten podcast playing in the background. I check in with the receptionist and fill out a pile of paperwork.

I play Angry Birds on my phone waiting. Then I follow the woman back to her office. I sit on the couch and start talking.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

Hugs. So well said.

[rayaso]

Those are excellent, introspective questions I'm sure we've all asked ourselves. I love the way you opened and ended with the drive and podcast.

[thephantomq]

Sitting on the couch and starting talking has been such a great help to me, over the past six years (god, it's been six years...). I hope that sitting on the couch and talking is helpful for answering those introspective questions. <3

Also, I feel like it's possible to break out of the rut but then a new one can be put in place, and it seems impossible all over again. But you can do it. You've got this. <3

[halfshellvenus]

I think all of the details, the small talk, the reminders... those are part of trying to build and become the person you want to be. And it isn't easy!

The parts you berate yourself for... those are the weaknesses we all have and try to overcome.

But you are on the road to change, and you're certainly doing the work. Keep going! Thinking about these questions, these dichotomies, is also a form of progress. :)

[tatdatcm]

“Do you ever feel like you're just going through the motions of life? LIke you're playacting the role you're expected to play.”

All the time. But it’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older and accepted myself more. I hope you have success on the road to discovering yourself.

[moretta]

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

[dmousey]

I'm glad you knew to seek to seek help. 👾👾✌🐭🐁

[sonreir]

Oh, this one hurts, in a good way. I'm glad you're opening up to someone.

[murielle]

Very well written. The roles we play just to survive in the world. This touches some if my raw nerves, too.

Well done!

[megatronix]

Very well written and relatable too. It is weird isn’t it , wondering is this who I am, is this who others expect me to be, is this a changed version of me, a filled down version?? One thing I heard recently is the question, how do I want to show up in the world? I liked that better than who am I. Who am I seems like I’m looking for a static answer. But how do I want to show up in the world, that one leaves options for variation day by day. Flexibility. Maybe I’ll show up dark and morose some days. Maybe some days I’ll just be pajama mama and I’m fine showing up in the world that way too. And some days every so often I’ll wear loud crazy clothes because why not.

Anyway I relate to this a bunch and I find it very well written!