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katespencer1I drive a lot in the quiet. A muffled song in the background or a forgotten podcast in the background.
My mind wanders and sometimes I listen to the voices.
Why am I doing this? What is the reason? Can I just go to sleep? It's too much.
Do you ever feel like you're just going through the motions of life? LIke you're playacting the role you're expected to play. I'm an overachiever and Type A and I sit through meetings and routines and put things in order all the time. Why?
I go see shows and make small talk with people, remember to ask the right questions, send the cards for birthdays. I bury myself in details and lists and reminders. All of them propping me up into this version of a person. A conscientious person who isn't lost in her own head, going through the motions.
I'm loud and obnoxious and curse too much. I call myself a bitch and act like I don't care. Is that who I am? Or is that the role I gave myself? Is it safer to be the bitch no one wants to get close to so there's an easy reason to keep everyone at arm's distance?
What is my role in my life? It feels staged and static and I don't know what else to do. Breaking out of the rut is necessary and terrifying. Is it even possible?
So I make a long silent drive. A forgotten podcast playing in the background. I check in with the receptionist and fill out a pile of paperwork.
I play Angry Birds on my phone waiting. Then I follow the woman back to her office. I sit on the couch and start talking.
My mind wanders and sometimes I listen to the voices.
Why am I doing this? What is the reason? Can I just go to sleep? It's too much.
Do you ever feel like you're just going through the motions of life? LIke you're playacting the role you're expected to play. I'm an overachiever and Type A and I sit through meetings and routines and put things in order all the time. Why?
I go see shows and make small talk with people, remember to ask the right questions, send the cards for birthdays. I bury myself in details and lists and reminders. All of them propping me up into this version of a person. A conscientious person who isn't lost in her own head, going through the motions.
I'm loud and obnoxious and curse too much. I call myself a bitch and act like I don't care. Is that who I am? Or is that the role I gave myself? Is it safer to be the bitch no one wants to get close to so there's an easy reason to keep everyone at arm's distance?
What is my role in my life? It feels staged and static and I don't know what else to do. Breaking out of the rut is necessary and terrifying. Is it even possible?
So I make a long silent drive. A forgotten podcast playing in the background. I check in with the receptionist and fill out a pile of paperwork.
I play Angry Birds on my phone waiting. Then I follow the woman back to her office. I sit on the couch and start talking.
no subject
Date: 2018-11-11 02:45 am (UTC)The parts you berate yourself for... those are the weaknesses we all have and try to overcome.
But you are on the road to change, and you're certainly doing the work. Keep going! Thinking about these questions, these dichotomies, is also a form of progress. :)